Women Like Me
Starting a women’s ministry is hard when you’ve never done it before. It’s even more difficult when the goal is to incorporate women like me into the developmental process. Women who’ve never truly felt any other options in life except options that help us survive.
But this is what I am trying to create. An environment that not only supports women like us, but allows us to own, shape, and transform our group and our lives in the process. Last weekend I met with a group of women I hope will commit to being in the process with me. I found this meeting to be a rewarding experience that affirmed God’s presence in this project and His scandalous presence among us all.
We met in the chapel at Joshua Station, which is set up more like a counseling room. Highly appropriate I thought because we’re creating something that will lead us to healing. I recruited these women through various recommendations of people I trust, and up to this point I had met/conversed with each of them somewhat, but they hadn’t all met together yet.
As a result, our meeting began with an awkward silence. Having called this meeting I said “Hi, my name is Tiera and I’m an alcoholic, and totally messed up!” They released a laugh mixed with relief and nervousness, and then our conversation began.
Once it was under way I felt as if I had known these women my entire life. I think we all felt that way a little. When we talked about what this group was about, what our fears were and what we needed, we automatically knew what each other felt. We identified with one another’s stories in a powerful way.
This commonality came at a price even before we began. The familiarity between us translates to each of us knowing what it means to be crushed and powerless. Something we’d rather not be the center of our bond.
I found that we all want a place to be real, to be broken, and to be ourselves without judgment. Though this is hard to create, and even harder to define. Primarily because we each have so many walls built up, and for good reason.
When you’re constantly dealing with welfare agencies, assistance programs, courts and more, you learn to be careful when you speak. Saying too much could cause you to lose everything you are barely holding on to. Unfortunately, this is especially true when other women are involved. This comes from the countless backstabbing relationships we’ve each experienced in our abusive upbringings where women were both a commodity, and a burden.
However, I can see that we each want more even if we don’t know what that is.
I think about each one of them and wonder what it must mean for them to be invited to contribute to something that desires to be true, something that in another setting might be forced upon them. Something that God gives them permission to own, something that comes from the freedom to speak out of the pain.
Then I think about the past five years of my life. Struggling to be real, to constantly reflect, and be comfortable with myself. Fighting to get what I need for me, while balancing a step-family of five, soon to be six. I am forced to wrestle with my issues, everyday turmoil, and a past that relentlessly still informs my perceptions regardless of how many times I’ve given it to God.
I am encouraged to be discovering a faith that these women and I can own. I am proud that we are talking about things, and entering a chaotic faith. A faith where without God, we couldn’t truly find the healing we need to live life to the fullest. For that, I am utterly grateful and excited to see what happens, even if that means we fail.
Comments
Thanks for your post, Tiera, and for the courage you are showing in exrecising leadership in this group. It's going to be a great thing for the women for the women of Joshua Station, I'm sure. And don't worry -- you won't fail. Because in something like this, success comes mostly just by showing up.
Posted by: Jeff J | January 20, 2006 02:37 PM